Do I need to Change my expectations with Poker or Still Chase the dream

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh......Today I have to pretty much take ttoday off..as yesterday sent me to bed on fulllllllllllllllllllllllll tilt alert.....frustrating overwhelming and bottom line extremely upsetting.....Got deep in a bunch of stuff again and to only either donk or run like shit at the end for a lot of money was again a disaster.......

I feel like im at a crossroads of a proper mindset but I dont know, Im just a sick beleiver in myself with anything life that I completely confident in myself.

Past 4 years of being a Professional Poker Player have had its ups and downs but my expectation from day one was the only expectation that I had the whole entire time...And thats dominate all and be the best anything short of that is a failure.

I remember from the beggining even with failure I thought I would be the best.....From the tilty Trip to Colorado that started it offf..I had finally come to the conclusion that I coudlnt survive in poker and I coudlnt make it happen but knew I had to leave california and thrown out in the wild to survive otherwise my heart would never quit poker

With nothing working in Colorado and my Car completely dead, I had only one plan and that was give poker one last chance...I threw my last 200 on fulltilt...and the rest is history..I discovered how to be a profitable player and the Rounder63 show was created..

From that Point of time, I have roughly made 300k+....thats enormous amount of money but somehow through all the traveling, people having huge chunks of my profits and living and retarded Gangstar Laker tickets, retarded paigow pillar bets and the best of the best grocery shopping, I find myself still poooor...Allllllllllll My own doing but i dont know how to be or live any other way.

My friend Mike D said it best..."Nick is saving when he hits the big one...thats just how he saves"

I dont know its just in my genetics, Its how I saw how my dad lead his life, How my uncle led his life, You buy what you want, You do what you want and the consquences well thats later on....famous quote from my father..."How much was that dad"...Responce..."I dont know, I didnt ask"....

Can I ever get a real job??!!?.......Serioulsy the answer to that is probably yes, but I would have to move out of my surrounding and detox for like 2-3 months of no poker and then there would be a .0002 percent chance i wouldnt come back..

This is in my blood, This is what I was born to do,This is what i was bred to do and Im on a mission to make it work....but #$%$#%$ getting there is a #$%#% Bitch..

I love to struggle, Something almost mental inside of me likes to fail to only come back and have an epic comeback....When Ive been the lowest of the lows with poker, thats when I shine the most and have an epic feasttttt...In sports I like being the underdog because thats just how I was everytime but I always come out a Winner....I love getting beat the #$%$ up fall face first on the ground and have everyone doubt me and to come back and smassssssssshhhhhh..

My brand of poker is unique, Not many people can be disguise as a donk, play like a donk but be a SHARK......Give a shoutout to thebattler33 guy is a #$$$ing beast, I feel we play pretty simliar although his success is much greater but he is playing against the grain with how everyone else is playing poker and I think to be ahead of the curve thats how you have to play.

Theres a winning play but theres also many different ways to play poker.

Past 15 months Poker has humbled me......When fulltilt launched and I was crushing the 45s, I really truely blindly believed I was one of the best in the world, you can google Regs laughing at me and my confidence...You can google alot of funny conversations about rounder63, even one where i claimed i retire and suck, we see how that went.....Theres also some warcraft threads lol...

The Past 5 months, I feel I have completley changed my game around to complete at the highest levels now, I feel im at my all time best and if I could just run good at the end, I will start killing it..

Last Month I made 20,000 on fulltilt, obv could of been alot more....Yesterday was one of my top 3 most frustrating days, So many monster stacks in nice prize pool mtts deep just crash and gone to shit at the end...

68,000 games in my career......18,000 this year......that is some major major major major grinding.....I can say with complete confidence there is not one person in the entire world, that grinds my sngs and mtt more then ME....

Am I entilted to think I deserve A Big Score when I try so hard....I def think so!.....I know im not the best out there but just like in real life or sports those who are handicapped for whatever reason (not being good enough, strong enough fast enough, quick enough)if they try hard enough they reach thier goals and dreams.

I know I will one day but until then Its uber frustrating trying to reach the mountain of feast.....

Lets hope its sooon!

~Rounder63